good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
