Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
