I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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