my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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