Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Randomize
