I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
