im six kinds of drunk right now
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
