you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
