Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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