yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize