So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
