Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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