I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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