dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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