i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
