He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
