she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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