dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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