The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
