Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
