You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
