I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Randomize
