he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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