I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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