i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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