just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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