that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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