I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Well I just put wine in my tea
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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