when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
