I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
