with your own penis?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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