yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
