I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
