we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
