OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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