elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
