Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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