I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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