im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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