I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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