in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
