:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
