Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
