just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize