Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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