Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
