Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize