I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You have to summon your inner elephant
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
