I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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