I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
