my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize