I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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