I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
