WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
