I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
