I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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