A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
