being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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