my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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