So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
